At Least 51% Godzilla

I watched a show called Godzilla on Netflix last weekend and much to my not surprise and somewhat annoyance, the first forty-five minutes had little to no actual Godzilla. It’s like the movie (also called Godzilla, I think) that came out two or three years ago. Two-hour movie, one (admittedly cool-as-hell) actual Godzilla fight at the end.

This is my mini-rant: if you make a movie called Godzilla, it should contain at least fifty-one percent Godzilla. Not ninety-minutes of humans running around doing human things and then five-minutes of Godzilla beating up some idiot kaiju who thought it would be a good life-choice to pick a fight with the King of the Monsters.

NOTE: If you’re a kaiju and you’re reading this, maybe think twice about fighting something referred to as the King of the Monsters. Start lower, like a Jester of the Monsters or Serving Wench of the Monsters. Work your way up.

I’m now convinced that at some point, I’m going to watch (yet another) movie called Godzilla only to figure out it’s a rom-com about two humans who fall in love and have wacky hijinks, possibly involving a ferret and six pumpkins. The two humans will wind up at the pier, making out on a bench, as the credits roll, only to have Godzilla rise up and incinerate them with his atomic breath.

Okay, yes. I would probably watch that.

My point, and I do have one, is that if you’re going to make movies about humans, call it ‘Humans’ or something. In fact, I would be willing to bet that the vast majority of movies are about humans anyway doing human things, like roller-skating or fly-fishing or astro-physics. 

Humans movies should be about humans, Godzilla movies should be about Godzilla. Much like Bambi movies are about Bambi. Or Hamlet movies are about Ham.

No other movies, to my admittedly limited knowledge, can get away with this. It would be like having a movie called ‘Steve’ that contained no Steves. 

Just give me a movie of Godzilla fighting a succession of kaiju. There can be humans in it, but only to occasionally shout ‘Look! Godzilla!’ and then get crushed by a building.

Yes, I am a simple man.

Cheers,

-Jason

Getting in Shape with Ghosts

I need to get into better shape. Now, lifting weights, running, and wrestling llamas are all normal, efficient, and above all, simple ways to do that. Yet, being that I am me, I need something a little more exotic.

Therefore, I’ve decided on finding a ghost and fighting it on a regular basis.

‘Why?’, you may ask. As well as ‘huh?’ and ‘what?’

It’s simple. In the movies, people move into a haunted house or buy a haunted trowel or accidentally offend some spirit by using the wrong fork at dinner. A ghost and/or fell spirit then begins to haunt them, first by making weird noises, then moving things, then making the family dog barf up a human skull, then outright just throwing stuff at them. It’s a gradual, predictable process that is perfect for training up to the full-body workout that occurs when a malicious spirit is actively trying to kill you.

My first task, then, is to get rid of all the really dangerous stuff in my apartment. This is difficult as like 94% of the stuff I own is edged, spiked, fanged, shooty, or can complete the Mad-Libs sentence ‘and then the police found the body with a NOUN protruding from it.’

NOTE: Upon reflection, that Mad-Libs sentence could infer A LOT of different things. Don’t think anything naughty.

The reason I need to do this is because when the ghost escalates to ‘throwing stuff at my head in the middle of the night,’ I don’t want it to have access to anything that’s too lethal.

Second, I need to put my Precious Moments figurines in storage.

Just kidding.

My Precious Moments figurines are already safe in a specially designed vault that Superman himself couldn’t dent.

Third, I need to make sure the neighbors know that if blood starts dripping down their walls and forms the words ‘GET OUT,’ it’s okay, I’ll take care of it.

Note to self: put down plastic.

And fourth, I need to find an actual ghost to bring back to my apartment. I’ve already staked out the local abandoned insane asylum and plan to spend the night there tromping around and shouting things like ‘Ghosts? There’s no such things as ghosts!’ and ‘Boy, I sure hope there aren’t any ghosts around here who want to follow me back to MY ADDRESS and attack me in the middle of the night.’

I therefore anticipate that in short order, I will have a vengeful spirit bouncing around my place and actively attacking, forcing me to hone my reflexes from dodging flying furniture, building up muscle mass from catching hurled armoires, and getting good cardio from doing this for hours at a time.

I see nothing wrong with this plan.

Cheers,

-Jason

Apoca-Heels

Some time ago, I was having a conversation with my 2^nd niece and felt compelled to point out that the high heels she was wearing were inefficient.

Me: I don’t think you can run very fast in those.

2^nd Niece: Well, no, but they look good.

Me: But if you’re attacked by zombies, you won’t be able to get away. I mean, slow-zombies, maybe, but if it’s fast-zombies, you’re toast.

2^nd Niece: A very good point, Uncle J.

She said that second line with a particular sort of half-smile and slight eye-roll that all my nieces and nephews give me when I offer important life advice. I’m assuming it’s a look of profound love and respect.

However, this conversation got me thinking: what if there was a way to make high heels more functional? I mean, if civilization ends in a shattering zombie or asteroid-induced apocalypse and the survivors need to fight their way through a mutant infested wasteland in search of food, water, and some way to charge their iPhones, why can’t they do it in style?

Therefore, let me present: Apoca-Heels, the first high-heel for the post-apocalyptic party

Here’s the idea: There are those heels with the thick soles, right? All you need to do is figure out a way to hinge the heel so that it folds into the sole, kinda like those tennis shoe/roller skate combos that kids try to kill themselves with. Just add a button or an app or a lever of some sort and viola: your inefficient high heel is now the model of stealth and speed.

Just imagine: you’re at a swanky party with all sorts of rad dudes and then a zombie/mutant/insurance salesman bursts through the window, screaming something about brains or deductibles. While all the other party-goers are tripping on their heels trying to get away, you just click a button and you’re ready to run the 210 in .5 with a .01a and $12.

I have no idea what those numbers are supposed to mean. And do people still say ‘rad-dudes?’ I haven’t been to a party in a while. Since, like, ’85.

And that’s not all! Put a chunky enough sole on the Apoca-Heel and you can add things like shotguns, knives, frying pans, or machetes. The only thing stopping you is your imagination! And the fact that adding a firearm to a pair of shoes is probably extremely dangerous and/or illegal.

Anyway, once I have secured funding, look for Apoca-Heels in fine retailers everywhere!

NOTE: Apoca-Lips would be a great name for a lipstick brand. I have no idea where that came from.

Cheers,

-Jason